Chicks were not hot like 10 years ago

In a bar that no longer exists on a corner that still does, Nate and I walked to Panini's South on 10th Avenue and High Street for cheap brand-unknown draft beers on weeknights shortly after the sun went down. We took advantage of our college summer nights. Our jobs required us to be present at 8:30 a.m. but not awake until noon.

We had no qualms with Panini's despite the beer being the only thing warmer than the temperature as the hole in the wall had no air conditioner and left its non-existent windows open. Panini's sandwiches would require some microwaved love to match the warmth of the yellow non-frothy in those 32-ounce plastic cups.

I sat at the bar and Nate walked to the bathroom located on the northwest corner of the establishment. My kidneys are bigger. "Lady Marmalade" played for the first time that night.

Lil' Kim's rap neared its conclusion as I thought, "Wow, they never play this part on the radio." I picked up on that third-beer buzz and felt my shoulders become a little less tight. I turned to the right and looked over toward the ladies room. People watching is a polite way to say creepy.

Not one to "like" or friend request "Lines" or "Crowds," Nate darted his way to the front of the que. Meeting resistance with a shove, a student in a light blue polo connected with a right hook on Nate's face as the song hit its and Christina Aguilera's high at the 2:38 mark of the video.

"Too many people to go over there," I thought, "anyway, I'm 0-1-1 career in fights."

The situation resolved itself as so many others did with a brief scrum, a few "Yeah, I'm all rights" and a closing acknowledgment that no more fights would occur that evening.

We walked home a few hours later and turned on MTV.

The shit we had to watch in the summer of 2001 makes me ever so grateful for the women's movement. There were not a lot of good looking women 10 years ago.

Music videos prove my point. I present the following three.



Take a look at Dream's collective body types before delving into my breakdown of the video. This look passed for hot in the winter of 2001. I wanted these girls under my Christmas tree on Dec. 25, 2000.

What is with the short-haired blond girl? We may never know although any of us are free to ask her. She's working at the Applebee's next to University Village (or the one right down the street from your house) and if you have a sleeveless T-shirt with a tattoo circa 2002 she'd probably give you two-for-one appetizers even AFTER Happy Hour.

I feel a bond with the lyric "[you] only want him just because he's there." Roughly 92 girls I've hooked up with have experienced this same desire or lack thereof.

Also, Dream girls, for real, what's with only one girl singing the entire song? Are the other vocals that bad? Ah yes, they are in Dream, after all.

Back before girls started dropping me for suburban, Affliction T-shirt wearing bartenders in strip malls, I believed in love and all that fun stuff. Now I see the fallacy in the message of this song.

Girls, he may love you but he does not love her not. Guys do not become monogamists until they give up on finding someone better.

We find someone better in the next video.



I've been to a lot of parties. That line just sounds like something that would be scribbled across a retro T-shirt with some 1950's-looking clip art attached to it. I've been to a lot of parties.

I've never been to a party with "'bout five, six strippers trying to work for a buck." Unless that Buck was an Ohio State football player. Go Buuuuucks said in a hick accent.

We learn in this video that you don't need to have a job now to have lots of magnets on your refrigerator.

EMO ALERT: I love Califone's "Funeral Singers" song. I can play with magnets all night long, motherfuckers. I have done so 13 times already this year. I like the ones with words. Or letters. And why is it, why is it that there are lowercase letters but not lowercase numbers?

"all my friends are half-gone birds/ are magnets all my friends are words/"

The above lyric explains why I text the same three people every night in an attempt to "grab a few beers question mark."

I will invariably end up marrying the girl in this Califone video or one just like her but as for now, she's playing trivia at Bodega and I hate that place as my jeans are not tight enough and I cannot wear a Fedora and a beard and feel good about myself.

SIDE NOTE: When L. James announced his decision to sign with the Miami Heat, I made the exact same face as the guy does at the 1:11 point in the City High video.

Right after James broke our hearts, the following song played on the 30,000 speakers surrounding Cleveland.



If a girl has ever been attracted to a large man-beast with dreadlocks, I have no chance with that female. This is a problem for me as I plan on ending up with some bartending chick who has a dog and probably is into black dudes with dreadlocks. This explains why I'll be single for the next 53 years God willing.

I hate dogs but am attracted to girls who own dogs and play well with dogs. The blond who pleads the first verse fits this mold. Her lips. Wow. Sheeeeeeeeeeit.

The lower lip bite 30 seconds into the video has been watched in this dark bedroom on more than one instance.

Cannot help but notice every member of All Saints looks exactly the same and one of them is even black!

One must take issue when one All Saint exclaimed that "You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find. I'm not crazy."

Yes, yes you are crazy because that line doesn't make any sense.

... ... ... ...

I grew up watching MTV. I still watch videos on YouTube with far too much frequency.

Tomorrow night when I walk home from the bar, I'll likely watch some more.

They won't be from 10 years ago though. Women keep getting hotter.

The beers, though, they've gotten colder.